Opposite Sex

"Boys and girls can't be friends," I calmly explain to her. "It's not your fault. Actually it has nothing to do with you," I continue.

She darts a glance at me as I see the uncomfortable astonishment wash over her face.

I have this theory, well it's actually a rule. Boys and girls can not be friends. I should qualify the previous statement with the caveat that this friendship cannot exist without sexual tension. As a girl you will read this and think of every guy in your life that maintains the posture of a friend, hoping to expose the flaws in my logic.

There are many reasons that boys and girls are not friends. Chief among them is the fact that guys and girls often don't have much in common. The following example will plainly illustrate these differences. I met a girl, who conveniently lives on 81st in between Neurotic and Ridiculous. Upon meeting her at the bar for drinks and a bite to eat, it becomes painfully obvious that I'm in for hours of tortured misery. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a title claiming, "I brought you something. This book changed my life, but I don't need it anymore." Skinny Bitch was far from Earth-shattering and I did everything I could to stifle my involuntary reaction - laugh. That one gesture, while nice, set the tone for the night. After an hour we had covered the following topics: Skinny Bitch, going to school at F.I.T., and the strained relationship that developed between her father and her. At the brink of insanity, I made up an excuse to leave and walk her back to her apartment. During the walk I was accused of thinking that her Yves Saint Laurent bag was a fake, which is comical because I didn't even know that people cared about things like that, let alone whether this girl would actually own one. All in all the night was awful, but all was not lost as I got sufficiently drunk. In retrospect, this was a gigantic waste of time because when I think about it, I would have been a lot more content sitting on my couch playing Fifa with my roommate.

As a guy I'm concerned with a handful of things, which don't include handbags, fashion, shopping and Jolly Ranchers bathed in Zima. I like spending my time slugging beers, talking about sports, and talking about girls (read, sex).

Now let's talk about the male who you consider to be a friend, who you think has no interest in you sexually. It's true when you hang out you both have fun. He provides the male perspective when you curse my gender. Most important, he has not yet tried to cross the line and cop a feel. Now ask yourself if you've ever been in his company while he's blackout drunk. The answer is probably not, because if he was that inebriated he would have tried to swap spit with you (everyone knows it doesn't really count if he gets denied on account of being belligerent). He is not your friend. He just thinks he can endure months and even years of the title hoping that you'll become weak and eventually cave in to his pithy sexual innuendos.

Granted there are exceptions to every rule, but this one tends to withstand the test of time.

College Experience

You go to college to delay the inevitable. You go to college to further your skills, to develop your interests into passions and pray that it translates into a career. You go to college for the "experience." College, in many aspects, resembled what I imagined prison to be. Aside from showering with the fear of being shanked, college was mostly lifting weights, playing basketball [with other inmates], reading books, dabbling in drugs, and depending on a group of people to survive [like prison gangs].

I remember prior generations looking through and past me about my college choice, almost like they were transported to an Animal House memory, a memory they were stuck on - a Toga Party or maybe they were occupied with the memory of double secret probation. Whatever the word "college" conjured up for people that asked about my future endeavors, they were hardly nostalgic for English 101. I remember being apprehensive about going to a "city" school in New England, and leaving my friends. "You'll make new friends," my parents were quick to retort. "Those kids will always be your friends, but college is about making new friends - friends for life."

My parents were right. And now when people ask me about college I can only smile, not because of the things that I learned, but because of the friends I've made and cemented with alcohol, knowing it would stick for good.

Paul Bunyon - (known for tall tales) was one of my first friends at school. He was an outgoing kid from the shore of Connecticut and from time to time needed to be reminded that he was not Jack Johnson. Paul Bunyon and I had met on a few separate occasions, but didn't become friends until I got blackout drunk one night and climbed on top of my lofted bed to vomit all over myself. Paul Bunyon and another friend somehow got me down and dragged me into the shower. I later returned the favor on his 21st birthday when he decided to take a face plant on the cement (eventually sending him to the hospital, his 21st birthday was a success).

Missed It - Missed It and I had grown up together, but were never really close until we went to college. Missed it was odd. He was content to stay in his single room and video game his life away, rather than enjoy college. Missed It once locked himself in his dorm room for a week after the Raiders were owned in the Super Bowl. Missed It was always delusional when referring to "his girls," but nobody ever held him to it. Missed It once consumed warm urine from a Corona bottle, and pretty much solidified his notoriety forever.

Shevchenko - Shevchenko was another kid from Eastern Connecticut. He was proud to hail from the heroin capital of the Eastern seaboard. He fit in well with us because he enjoyed sports and could shoot the lights out in basketball. Shevchenko had the temper of a 3 year old pissy little girl. Take for instance the Boone home run hit off of Wakefield to send the Yankees to the World Series - he destroyed our apartment on account of that. As time lapsed he became less focused on sports and actually playing and just focused more and more on being a "terrible, horrible person" and getting himself good at drinking games. He tried building up his tolerance and mastering drinking games as a clever way to hook up with girls and I gotta admit it's pretty crazy how girls get mesmerized by a game of speed quarters. Shevchenko and I entered into a little wager for the college football championship when I was a freshman. I bet him (with the spread) that Miami would destroy his beloved OSU. As a result he took pleasure in Bic'ing my head. We went on to live together for 4 years after.

Meal Matrix - Meal Matrix was a skinny kid from Long Island. He never talked much, and had it not been for Paul Bunyon, we would never have met. Meal Matrix and Paul Bunyon dragged me into the shower on that fateful night when I wrestled with Bacardi and Sprite. "Yo, Connecticut, you wanna do this project together?" I didn't know anyone else in my math class, and I knew I didn't want to get stuck with the kid that smelled like tomato soup. Meal Matrix hated living in Boston, and I loved him for that. Meal Matrix is the only one of my really good friends that lives in NYC and we hang out regularly.

There were other cast members that played a significant role in this ongoing tragedy, but those four remain critical. So now things have changed, and I'm living in NYC, and we don't talk nearly as much, we don't drink nearly as much, or harass each other as much as we once used to. The point is we don't have to. We can just pick up again where we left off, it's seamless. So beyond the Irish car bombs, the weed, and the wiffle ball games, I learned that I'd do anything for these four.

"Yeah. You'll have a great time in college," as I look past a prospective college student asking about my school.

Oochie Wally

"Yo, this is Horse, you know, the pussy filla. I still haven't gotten paid." John (01/17/2009), employed by Sony, sipping Purple Haze and articulating work-related frustrations.

True Friend

"Just finished watching judgement night, de la soul, fallen, you f*cking hairy f*ck." -Brendan, Wed., Dec. 31, 1:44 AM; currently engaged, unemployed, and resides in small town, CT.