"Either / Or"

A brief apology to those of you that were expecting this yesterday, unfortunately I was detained by Yuengling at Ryan's and wasn't coherent enough to string together these sentences at 3:15AM. The latest chapter in the "Either / Or" saga is centered around two different fashionably ugly shoes, adored and worn by the entire spectrum of sheep from Yuppies to Fashionistas. Either Uggs or Crocs? *Disclaimer I worked as a shoe salesman for a brief time in college at a comfort shoe store in Boston, and I think it's a fair statement to say that there is a directly inverse correlation between the fit and comfort of a shoe and its aesthetic appeal. These two brands/shoes are prime examples.

Uggs. Oh how I hate that you've made wearing slippers with a dress, out in public, acceptable for hundreds and thousands of women. This year marks the 30th anniversary for the company from Down Under. While these heinous sheepskin lined boots have been around for approximately 200 years, I'd like to focus on the particularly crappy recent past for the branded company. Uggs became an epidemic throughout Australia when surfers would go skiing in the winter and started sporting the versatile boots (thank God for sheep and their merino wool and skin). Today, you can buy Uggs in these fine United States, but not too long ago getting your hands on authentic Uggs was like an exercise in smuggling contraband into a prison via your ass-crack. I'm all for comfortable shoes, but limit usage to around the house or running errands. Please don't try to convince yourself that you can wear these out when you're with your girlfriends at that swanky lounge, club or bar. I think the only thing more grotesque is when you see that flamboyant male sporting his pair that go perfectly with his faux-hawk and skinny jeans. The most frustrating aspect for me is that this isn't just a temporary craze. Mindless consumers have helped turn this fad into a must-have fashion staple. The staying power of the Ugg brand is something to envy, especially considering the raw looks of these dead animals on one's feet.

Uggs suck something awful, but Crocs are racing neck-and-neck with Uggs to win the race of the most comfortable/horrifically ugly shoe ever created. We can all thank three jackasses from Boulder , Colorado for committing this fashion felony. These silly bastards, excuse me - entrepreneurs, will claim that the shoes were originally created for a purpose, for boaters, suggesting that they were slip-resistant and non-marking. We all know that these people decided to capitalize on the "they're-so-ugly-they-have-to-be-cool" trend, which should be copyrighted by Uggs by now. Today you'll see morons wearing these glorified condoms on their feet in various industries like nursing, restaurants, and demanding jobs that require the individual to stand for long stretches. Soccer moms love to force their children into the SpongeBob SquarePants edition, and I just shake my head and consult the Webster's Dictionary for the precise definition of "karma." It's still too early to determine whether or not the Crocs brand will endure the test of time, and if I had my druthers one would only be able to remember Crocs as they flipped through a fashion history book and found Crocs sandwiched between Skidz and British Knights.

It's no surprise that nobody wins when you wear either of these two examples of footwear. Both brands tried to further whore their brands and have dabbled in normal-looking footwear, to no avail. I've grown a bit more tolerant of Uggs as they've become more prevalent, but I stand by my policy of: a girl dressed up and wearing Uggs is to be regarded as a leper and should be considered to have chlamydia and avoided at all costs.

*Note this "Either /Or" was hatched with the help of a regular reader, so I thank her for her input.

"Either / Or"

This week's "Either / Or" is devoted to you caffeine addicts who would be completely content with a coffee intravenous dripping the brown liquid directly into your bloodstream. Either Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts? Both companies should be recognized for what they've meant to coffee culture domestically.

Starbucks coffee tastes burnt, like sour milk. They are visible, especially in NYC where there are 193 stores within a five mile radius of my UES apartment. Howard Schultz, the company's CEO, is credited with bringing the Italian coffee experience back to America and recreating it in each store. Praise Starbucks for making it cool to pay five clams for coffee, creating a made up language (venti, grande, etc.), and making it hip for Mac users to sit at a table for endless hours pretending to be writing in public. They try to portray an image of giving a crap about things, what with cups made from recycled paper and their marketing efforts to promote free-trade coffee. Starbucks is nauseating.

I had a dream the other night, and I thought I could remember when Dunkin' Donuts used to actually sell donuts. Those days waived goodbye long ago and the brand has spread across the country like a wildfire. When I drink coffee I order, "Medium coffee with milk and sugar." Notice it is ordered in English [or American as I affectionately refer to the language]. This would be a victory by a landslide, but this company has had some noticeable gaffs on its record. Most notable was their choice to endorse that twattwaffle Rachel Ray as the face of the brand. I'm not really sure what the reasoning was behind that, but I'm sure the DD's people were thinking: we should make Rachel Ray the face of our brand because she has absolutely no talent and proves that all you have to do is blow your way to the top of the Food Network in today's society to be considered a celebrity. She was also seen in a controversial commercial sporting a scarf, which coincidentally was considered "ethnic garb" [and the Gods smile favorably upon the S.A.]. Since then she hasn't been heard from in association with the DD camp. I think a whore that takes the liberty to shorten extra virgin olive oil should shampoo my crotch, but that's for another post. More recently they've been really pushing stuff other than their core competency, which is coffee, like flat bread egg white sandwiches. In an attempt to increase revenues, they've alienated themselves. What's next a fat free Donut, from those culinary masters?

Twist my nipple and I'll say Dunkin' Donut's, especially after a long night of drinking. Coffee sucks. Drink Sencha green tea. You'll live longer.

"Either / Or"

Sylvester Stallone wrote, produced and starred in Rocky in 1976, then went directly to the bank to cash in. This week's "Either /Or" begs the question, which installment reigns supreme, either Rocky or Rocky II?

Rocky introduced us to the underdog southpaw from Philadelphia. Rocky was struggling to stay employed, far from wealthy, and spotted an opportunity in throwing hands. With the help of his trainer, he employed rather unconventional training techniques, e.g. chasing the chicken, busting up ribs in the meat factory, and famously running the steps of the museum. Side note: who could forget that theme song or better yet "Eye of the Tiger?" Rocky emerges as an unlikely challenger to the silky-smooth Apollo Creed. It's a one and a million shot, but Rocky proves with enough heart anything can happen, as he gives Creed a run for his money in one of the most memorable fights in movie history.

Rocky II is simply the rematch of the century. Rocky attempts to adjust to his new family life, and tries to ignore his instinct - fighting. Creed provokes Balboa to return to fight, if only to prove that his first victory was more than a fluke. It really didn't take much goading, seeing as it was exposed that Rocky "really don't read too good," while trying to film commercials. After inspired words from Adrian in the hospital fresh out of a coma imploring him to win, he goes on to do just that.

You all just got Punk'd. The best Rocky was neither Rocky nor Rocky II. You are so gullible. Everyone knows Rocky IV wins by a decisive knockout, when Rocky not only beats Ivan Drago, but TKO's Russian Communism. And who could forget that spirited soundtrack with all of those synthesizers - "There's no easy way out. There's no short cut home." You all would do well to remember that in the future.

"Either / Or"

This week's installment of "Either / Or" pits two of the greatest rock 'n roll bands to ever dawn leather pants against one another: Led Zeppelin vs. The Who - two bands from across the pond, that left their imprint on music for eternity. Coincidentally enough, neither band would recover from each respective drummer's death.

Led Zeppelin was great. Plant, Paige, Jones, and Bonham were synonymous with rock and roll. Zeppelin had a unique sound all their own, driven by Bonham's aggressive and heavy drums. Plant's voice would soon be linked with Paige's guitar riffs and solos for countless years. Album after album Zeppelin churned out mind-altering and innovative music, until Bonham's death in 1980. Zeppelin's B-sides blow my hair back and are light years ahead of anything that's been considered rock since. "Fool in the Rain" is my favorite song of all time (and that must not be overlooked). Do yourself a favor and take a little vacation next weekend, if you haven't been introduced to Led Zeppelin yet. Acquire (legally or illegally) Led Zeppelin I-IV, House of the Holy, Physical Graffiti, Presence, and In Through the Out Door (omit Coda), buy copious amounts of wine, LSD, and an O, lock yourself in your room and blast each of these albums. As an encore, watch Led Zeppelin the dvd. [Author's note: every single middle school dance of mine ended with "Stairway to Heaven" & both my braces and I loved every second of it.]

The Who - Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon. This group was rock 'n roll's equivalent of the 1992 USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team, dubbed "The Dream Team." "Quadrophenia" is probably one of the finest albums from cover to cover that has ever been made, regardless of any genre. Much like Zeppelin, The Who would never be the same after the death of Moon. Why are The Who the decisive winners here? They made destroying their instruments at live shows "the tits." The Who was also unique because their albums were intended to be unified stories, not just a collection of tracks. In the mood for another vacation? Fresh off of a Zeppelin weekend, procure My Generation, A Quick One, The Who Sell Out, Tommy, Who's Next, Quadrophenia, The Who by Numbers, and Who Are You (omit Face Dances, It's Hard, Endless Wire, and Then and Now). Plan to assemble and arrange the aforementioned menagerie of substances and paraphernalia and allow your eardrums to make passionate love to the music that is emitted from your utterly unworthy sound system.

It was neck and neck, and in many instances too close to call, but The Who emerges victorious. For Chrissake, they wrote a f*cking rock opera. Keep in mind there are no losers when you combine mass quantities of drugs and either/or both of these bands.

"Either / Or"

"Either / Or" is a weekly segment devoted to the comparison of "things." For example, Coke or Pepsi? Then the author of S.A. will prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, why he never chooses incorrectly.

This week's "Either / Or" is centered around which group/band is best suited for an altered state of mind. Either Bob Marley and the Wailers or Pink Floyd?

While Floyd's place in stoner history is undeniable with the Dark Side of the Moon & Wizard of Oz synchronization, very few artists have been so convincing while advocating for an illegal substance as Marley. Marley was a constant champion of the benefits of things that came naturally from the earth; among other movements political and otherwise(score one for the good guys). We, here at S.A., would be remiss if we didn't recognize Marley as one of the most influential artists in crossing Reggae over into the mainstream while simultaneously boosting the sales of Funyuns in towns across the country. While Marley has been dead for some time, his music and affinity for herbal remedy lives on in each lyric. Besides, every time I hear "Get Up, Stand Up" or "No Woman, No Cry" it feels like I'm immediately transported to Jamaica. Where in Jamaica, you ask? Uh, you know, by the beach.

Recap: Marley edges Floyd out by a sloppily made peanut butter and fluff sandwich in 9 out of 10 dorm rooms in the continental U.S.