"Either / Or"

A brief apology to those of you that were expecting this yesterday, unfortunately I was detained by Yuengling at Ryan's and wasn't coherent enough to string together these sentences at 3:15AM. The latest chapter in the "Either / Or" saga is centered around two different fashionably ugly shoes, adored and worn by the entire spectrum of sheep from Yuppies to Fashionistas. Either Uggs or Crocs? *Disclaimer I worked as a shoe salesman for a brief time in college at a comfort shoe store in Boston, and I think it's a fair statement to say that there is a directly inverse correlation between the fit and comfort of a shoe and its aesthetic appeal. These two brands/shoes are prime examples.

Uggs. Oh how I hate that you've made wearing slippers with a dress, out in public, acceptable for hundreds and thousands of women. This year marks the 30th anniversary for the company from Down Under. While these heinous sheepskin lined boots have been around for approximately 200 years, I'd like to focus on the particularly crappy recent past for the branded company. Uggs became an epidemic throughout Australia when surfers would go skiing in the winter and started sporting the versatile boots (thank God for sheep and their merino wool and skin). Today, you can buy Uggs in these fine United States, but not too long ago getting your hands on authentic Uggs was like an exercise in smuggling contraband into a prison via your ass-crack. I'm all for comfortable shoes, but limit usage to around the house or running errands. Please don't try to convince yourself that you can wear these out when you're with your girlfriends at that swanky lounge, club or bar. I think the only thing more grotesque is when you see that flamboyant male sporting his pair that go perfectly with his faux-hawk and skinny jeans. The most frustrating aspect for me is that this isn't just a temporary craze. Mindless consumers have helped turn this fad into a must-have fashion staple. The staying power of the Ugg brand is something to envy, especially considering the raw looks of these dead animals on one's feet.

Uggs suck something awful, but Crocs are racing neck-and-neck with Uggs to win the race of the most comfortable/horrifically ugly shoe ever created. We can all thank three jackasses from Boulder , Colorado for committing this fashion felony. These silly bastards, excuse me - entrepreneurs, will claim that the shoes were originally created for a purpose, for boaters, suggesting that they were slip-resistant and non-marking. We all know that these people decided to capitalize on the "they're-so-ugly-they-have-to-be-cool" trend, which should be copyrighted by Uggs by now. Today you'll see morons wearing these glorified condoms on their feet in various industries like nursing, restaurants, and demanding jobs that require the individual to stand for long stretches. Soccer moms love to force their children into the SpongeBob SquarePants edition, and I just shake my head and consult the Webster's Dictionary for the precise definition of "karma." It's still too early to determine whether or not the Crocs brand will endure the test of time, and if I had my druthers one would only be able to remember Crocs as they flipped through a fashion history book and found Crocs sandwiched between Skidz and British Knights.

It's no surprise that nobody wins when you wear either of these two examples of footwear. Both brands tried to further whore their brands and have dabbled in normal-looking footwear, to no avail. I've grown a bit more tolerant of Uggs as they've become more prevalent, but I stand by my policy of: a girl dressed up and wearing Uggs is to be regarded as a leper and should be considered to have chlamydia and avoided at all costs.

*Note this "Either /Or" was hatched with the help of a regular reader, so I thank her for her input.