Preemptive Penning

Dear Future Ex(es),

It's probably best to start at the beginning. I apologize. I wasn't always like this. If I jog my memory enough I can remember a time when I thought "chivalry" had a definition and wasn't the punchline of a heartbreaking joke. At one point in time I was capable of contributing equally to a healthy relationship, but I fell. Some argue I fell from grace. Wherever the origin, the result is what many PhDs consider an "emotional cripple." I remember when I used to smile a lot and was quick with a joke. Now I excuse my overall demeanor and outlook by naming the city where I reside, hoping people will walk by and overlook me like a homeless beggar in the subway station. I wish I could have introduced you to the 13 year old version of me. Unfortunately for both you and me, that was the best I'll ever be. What can I say? I peaked early and I was still stupid enough to think that there was someone out there for me. Someone like my Mom, but you know, not my Mom. I wish I could look at you and get lost in you for hours, but those visions are tainted by projections of the worst qualities of those before you, which have manifested in my mind. You didn't know this at the time, but you never stood a fighting chance because I'm so jaded and I'm completely neurotic. Maybe living in NYC when I was younger made me callous and in retrospect it probably wasn't a great idea. I know this doesn't excuse me or begin to explain why we didn't work, but fate can be so definite.

Sincerely,
S.A. (24 years old, living in UES)