Layer Up

I woke unnecessarily early this morning for work, you know, even before my alarm (probably in anticipation of a snow day-wishful thinking). I went through my normal routine, turned on Channel 4 news and threw my down comforter back over my head until I heard the weather report three more times.

Finally 6:30AM arrived and I forced myself to get up, then do push-ups to ensure that returning to my nest wasn't a feasible alternative. I went through my normal routine in the bathroom, put the shower on, arranged my shaving mug, my badger hair brush, my trusty double edged safety razor, and shaving cream. I hopped into the shower and startled myself, usually either the water is scalding or glacial , but never perfect. Today it was unnecessarily hot.

After five minutes of applying shampoo, and facial scrubs, I began to soap myself. I achieved a foamy lather with my bar of soap rotating the soap clockwise (in my left hand) on my belly, when suddenly I was introduced to a new friend, someone I'd never cared to notice before. The place where my abdominal and oblique muscles used to be prominently featured has been replaced by a pouch. I must say, I've grown quite affectionate and fond of the little guy. I think I will name him Ozzie. I know all he really wants is more pub food and some suds to help him grow, and right now I don't have the will to deprive him.

Besides, now my trousers fit much more snug and now my belt no longer serves a utilitarian purpose, but sits as belts are supposed to - around my waste as a decorative accessory. I don't know if you judgmental bastards noticed but it's below freezing and tomorrow is going to be colder. You wish you had an Ozzie of your own.