"Either / Or"

This week's "Either / Or" is devoted to you caffeine addicts who would be completely content with a coffee intravenous dripping the brown liquid directly into your bloodstream. Either Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts? Both companies should be recognized for what they've meant to coffee culture domestically.

Starbucks coffee tastes burnt, like sour milk. They are visible, especially in NYC where there are 193 stores within a five mile radius of my UES apartment. Howard Schultz, the company's CEO, is credited with bringing the Italian coffee experience back to America and recreating it in each store. Praise Starbucks for making it cool to pay five clams for coffee, creating a made up language (venti, grande, etc.), and making it hip for Mac users to sit at a table for endless hours pretending to be writing in public. They try to portray an image of giving a crap about things, what with cups made from recycled paper and their marketing efforts to promote free-trade coffee. Starbucks is nauseating.

I had a dream the other night, and I thought I could remember when Dunkin' Donuts used to actually sell donuts. Those days waived goodbye long ago and the brand has spread across the country like a wildfire. When I drink coffee I order, "Medium coffee with milk and sugar." Notice it is ordered in English [or American as I affectionately refer to the language]. This would be a victory by a landslide, but this company has had some noticeable gaffs on its record. Most notable was their choice to endorse that twattwaffle Rachel Ray as the face of the brand. I'm not really sure what the reasoning was behind that, but I'm sure the DD's people were thinking: we should make Rachel Ray the face of our brand because she has absolutely no talent and proves that all you have to do is blow your way to the top of the Food Network in today's society to be considered a celebrity. She was also seen in a controversial commercial sporting a scarf, which coincidentally was considered "ethnic garb" [and the Gods smile favorably upon the S.A.]. Since then she hasn't been heard from in association with the DD camp. I think a whore that takes the liberty to shorten extra virgin olive oil should shampoo my crotch, but that's for another post. More recently they've been really pushing stuff other than their core competency, which is coffee, like flat bread egg white sandwiches. In an attempt to increase revenues, they've alienated themselves. What's next a fat free Donut, from those culinary masters?

Twist my nipple and I'll say Dunkin' Donut's, especially after a long night of drinking. Coffee sucks. Drink Sencha green tea. You'll live longer.