Ozzie Dies

I've decided on a mercy killing for Ozzie, the festering menace that has replaced my abdominal muscles. I'm going to take him out back and splatter his guts all over the pavement. Graphic, I know, but entirely necessary. Here's to New Year's resolutions in April. I'm committed (at least in my mind) to drinking less, making better decisions regarding food intake, and devoting more time to outdoor activity. I never fully grasped the significance of January 1st as the day that one would make life changes. Why not April 23rd? The date is just as arbitrary. I'm not really a work-out maniac, but I'm obsessed with the notion of making changes in my lifestyle and seeing the results, even if only temporary. I'm not stout or even portly and I do not stare at my furry body in the mirror and imagine a reflection that would make a young Arnold Schwarzenegger weep. While I do have an obsessive personality, body and image is a topic that I willfully ignore. My primary concern is the result, and beyond that, knowing that I'm capable of making a change. I find that notion particularly empowering and motivating.

His & Hers

So you've watched Ryan Seacrest usher in the New Year, vowed to never smoke again, committed to your new gym routine, and this will be the year that you convince someone of the opposite (or same) sex that it was your ex that was all sorts of Tom Cruise crazy. Do yourself a favor and heed the S.A.'s advice.

Girls: No guy ever slept with you because you had a Chanel bag. He would actually prefer if you had a knock-off from Canal Street because then he wouldn't think you were such a money grubbing wench. He spends enough money on beer at the bar and he isn't ready to make contributions to your purse and shoe collection. At least have the decency to lie to him and tell him it's fake.

Guys: She is not impressed that you have the high score in Dungeons & Dragons, or that you logged more hours playing PS3 than you did sleeping last year. She really isn't stoked that you dominated your fantasy football league. Her thought is, if you want to play with yourself then enjoy playing with yourself because you seem to be good at it.