Designer Jeans

Apparently, and this is news to me, she is completely disinterested in the fact that I can recite over 97.635% of the dialog from Swingers. "Oh, you're one of those guys, that has to quote every line from a movie or song," she casually jabs. No. Actually I really like talking about geopolitical issues and travel, but I can see I'm going to have to settle for talking about things that interest you - like "The Hills."

Note to self: do homework on the subtle differences of stitching between Rock Republic and Seven For All Mankind Jeans, in an attempt to feign interest.

Hurry Up

Dear Mother Nature,
You heartless wench. I know you're beyond menopause, but it would be great if you could kick your slow ass into high gear and rotate yourself on your axis around the sun. It's only the second week of January and I'm no longer willing to play the "prisoner" to my UES "jail." Winter is a transvestite hooker waiting on the L subway platform cleverly plotting to give me gonorrhea. I'm sick of seeing it.

K.Thx.Bye.
S.A.

"Either / Or"

This week's installment of "Either / Or" pits two of the greatest rock 'n roll bands to ever dawn leather pants against one another: Led Zeppelin vs. The Who - two bands from across the pond, that left their imprint on music for eternity. Coincidentally enough, neither band would recover from each respective drummer's death.

Led Zeppelin was great. Plant, Paige, Jones, and Bonham were synonymous with rock and roll. Zeppelin had a unique sound all their own, driven by Bonham's aggressive and heavy drums. Plant's voice would soon be linked with Paige's guitar riffs and solos for countless years. Album after album Zeppelin churned out mind-altering and innovative music, until Bonham's death in 1980. Zeppelin's B-sides blow my hair back and are light years ahead of anything that's been considered rock since. "Fool in the Rain" is my favorite song of all time (and that must not be overlooked). Do yourself a favor and take a little vacation next weekend, if you haven't been introduced to Led Zeppelin yet. Acquire (legally or illegally) Led Zeppelin I-IV, House of the Holy, Physical Graffiti, Presence, and In Through the Out Door (omit Coda), buy copious amounts of wine, LSD, and an O, lock yourself in your room and blast each of these albums. As an encore, watch Led Zeppelin the dvd. [Author's note: every single middle school dance of mine ended with "Stairway to Heaven" & both my braces and I loved every second of it.]

The Who - Pete Townshend, Roger Daltrey, John Entwistle, and Keith Moon. This group was rock 'n roll's equivalent of the 1992 USA Men's Olympic Basketball Team, dubbed "The Dream Team." "Quadrophenia" is probably one of the finest albums from cover to cover that has ever been made, regardless of any genre. Much like Zeppelin, The Who would never be the same after the death of Moon. Why are The Who the decisive winners here? They made destroying their instruments at live shows "the tits." The Who was also unique because their albums were intended to be unified stories, not just a collection of tracks. In the mood for another vacation? Fresh off of a Zeppelin weekend, procure My Generation, A Quick One, The Who Sell Out, Tommy, Who's Next, Quadrophenia, The Who by Numbers, and Who Are You (omit Face Dances, It's Hard, Endless Wire, and Then and Now). Plan to assemble and arrange the aforementioned menagerie of substances and paraphernalia and allow your eardrums to make passionate love to the music that is emitted from your utterly unworthy sound system.

It was neck and neck, and in many instances too close to call, but The Who emerges victorious. For Chrissake, they wrote a f*cking rock opera. Keep in mind there are no losers when you combine mass quantities of drugs and either/or both of these bands.

Book Review

Skinny Bitch, the accomplished writings of Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin, is a must-read. It's no wonder that such brilliant minds of our time, like Victoria "Posh" Beckham have been photographed in L.A., not with children in hand, but grasping Skinny Bitch. Freedman and Barnouin have masticated centuries of science pertaining, but not limited to: nutrition, health, and body chemistry; and masterfully regurgitate the relevant bits into the readers mouth for simple digestion, much like an eagle feeding its offspring. The two discuss the economics of eating and the conspiracy theories behind the attempts of certain food industries and special interest groups to actually sell food in a devilish plot to turn a profit, almost as if it was a missing scene in Oliver Stone's movie devoted to ulterior motives - JFK (1991). They provide a completely unbiased view of healthy eating, advocate positive and healthy lifestyle changes, and don't (wink wink) pimp the benefits of vegetarianism and veganism. The writing is sophisticated and should be considered along the same vein as Shakespearean prose, "Yeah, eating onions and garlic makes your breath smell like someone took a shit down your throat"(177). After reading the book it's easy to comprehend why it was a #1 New York Times Bestseller, let alone every UES girl's Bible. Really, who doesn't want to be a skinny bitch?

Skinny Bitch is just further justification for me never wanting to bring a tiny S.A. cherub into this backwards world. Not because it was written, but because it was so well received by the ignorant masses.

3.5 Years

I thought it could wait but I'm so pissed off right now. I had an entire blog to write, devoted to you. I've numbed the immeasurable regrets and thought of you in my mind with countless beers. I've covered myself in lovers to convince my body that you were nothing more than college, and now I'm past that. I had so much more to say, but like the memory of you, for the life of me I can't remember.

#1 Network

I am so thoroughly infuriated right now. ::Author takes deep breaths and counts to ten:: I've been a faithful Verizon Wireless customer since 2000. When anyone ever complained about how terrible their service was, I'd be the first to tout Verizon's reliable network. I like to think I had my hand in converting many T-mobile, Cingular (remember them), and AT&T users. But today...

I sit here typing this post in disgust. What has my loyalty gotten me? Nothing. I walked into a Verizon Wireless store today to resolve my current phone situation. The charger is deformed as a result of dropping it and the phone too many times. I take full responsibility. The following happened today. Please read it while I go sh*t a brick:

VzW: Can I help you?
S.A.: Yeah. Do you sell chargers for this Samsung?
VzW: Yeah.
S.A.: Could you see when my contract is up, so that I can skip spending money on this charger and just upgrade to a Blackberry?
VzW: February 8th.
S.A.: So what can we do?
VzW: Hold on, since it's only a month and you want to upgrade your service (looks at other Eurotrash douchebag who's mad at life because his college degree has him selling cell phones to the likes of me in Midtown and sees Eurotrash douche shake his head). Na. Sorry man.
S.A.: How much for the charger?
VzW: $40
S.A.: [laughing in his face] You serious (thinking I could buy this on the street for $7)?
Eurodtrash d-bag: Do you work in the area? If so 20% off accessories.
S.A.: Don't you think it's doesn't make business sense to make me wait to give you more money? I mean my plan is currently $50 a month and I'm willing to give you $80 a month?
VzW: Our return policy is 30 days.
S.A. So you want me to buy this overpriced charger and return it in 30 days at which time you will give me the credit towards a new phone?
Eurotrash d-bag: Yeah.

Thanks fellas for our little conversation. Instead of ever dealing with you assholes again, I will do something I vowed I'd never do again, buy a Steve Jobs product. You assholes drove me to buy the iPhone, just to spite you both. Despite what you may have been conditioned to think and market, the Blackberry Storm is an epic failure and hardly an answer to the iPhone.

To calm down from this little episode, I'm going to have to smoke Nate Newton amounts of weed: http://archives.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/20/ctv.penalty.box/

Wilde, Oscar

"All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his." - Algernon, Act 1.