Immune Deficiency

Today the gods have me slated to play the role of Tom Hanks in Philadelphia (1993) in some twisted tragedy that will surely go unpublished. My immune system has been sufficiently defeated as I alternate between various liquids (tea, Gatorade, and water) and a deathly cocktail of over-the-counter decongestants to no avail. I've read ahead in the script, knowing we don't film the bedtime scene for another week, and I can see that I have a restless night where I pace around the apartment and consider overdosing on my roommate's unopened NyQuil and chase it with the remainder of the bottle of pink wine. It's only a matter of time before my withering dick unfixes itself from the rest of my body.