Primary Care

XI. Thou shall not consult the doctor, unless dead.

History tells us that this was actually a Commandment, and at the last second, as Moses was chiseling the letters into the stone tablets, God determined he liked round numbers and limited them to ten. No male, excuse me, hetero male consults the doctor. It's not due to religious beliefs, we're just genetically programmed to avoid the doctor. As men we can conquer anything if we put our minds to it, consider Al Gore's claims regarding the genesis of the intertubes. The Romans didn't seek out the doctor when faced with the flu-like symptoms, they sweat it out. A man sweats it out, and then goes to the megalopolis to participate in the early forms of democracy. A guy refuses a Z-Pac and goes straight to liquids, rest, steam therapy and countless loops of SportsCenter.

I'm 24 years old and haven't been to see the doctor since I was 18, when I saw the pediatrician for the mandatory physical before college. I don't even have a name or number of a general physician in NYC. It's always something that "I just never got around to." It was never something that I had even considered (finding a doctor), until I recently caught death making eyes at me.

I vowed that if I should defeat the virus spreading throughout my protoplasm that I would make it a priority to find one of these highly-trained lepers. Now that I'm over the rebel that tore through my body, I find that I am not really enthusiastic about finding a physician and could just fold it up and hide it in my mind again until I come down with something that brings me to inches within my life, when I'll be forced to consider it again. It's not that I think these highly educated doctors are anything more than snake-charmers, well I do, but it's not that. I've reached the point of no return. So much time has lapsed that I'm afraid of what these "experts" will say or might find. Maybe my cholesterol is too high, or my blood pressure is one that characterizes an unhealthy geriatric, or that I have testicular cancer, or that my liver can't sustain anymore beer. Thanks, but no thanks. I would rather not know. Ignorance is bliss. You know the saying.

I feel fine, but you never know what these quacks might suggest. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Part of me also is convinced that if I get a number of a doctor then I will become perpetually ill, even more than before (sans number). Yes it's idiotic. Having the number of a doctor does not increase the likelihood of me contracting diseases thus needing to call on him/her. Nobody said I wasn't superstitious. Not to mention I'm a man, and as men we extend our middle finger to western medicine (until it is absolutely necessary, and usually by this time it's too late). For now, I don't care if my leg needs to be amputated on account of the gangrene that's made itself visible, I still won't call the medic. Can you recommend a good doctor?